Emotions

Some things catch you by surprise, even when you think they won't. It has been a week of tears and emotions. Last weekend I started this emotional roller coast...I keep thinking I was getting to the end, yeah, i was glad to get off this roller coaster. Then it turned and I started again. What to do when you can't stop crying, what to do when you really want to stop crying, what to do when your husband and kids can't understand the tears and the yells, what to do when you can't seem to get ahold of yourself and understand your emotions. All seem like logical questions but none of them have answers as I am still crying!

Saturday and Sunday I blamed pain from cramps, Monday I blamed a dr who would not call me back, Tuesday it was because I had little sleep Monday night. Frustration at myself mostly had been my excuse for the tears on Wednesday and Thursday...Well that brings us to today. I knew it was going to be a long day...just hoping I could get through...6a came early and Travis was out the door to help his dad. The kids let me sleep till 7a, but then they started right in whining and fighting, so to seperate rooms they went, each with a cup of milk. They were quiet as they watched their movies, and their dad came home. "Too wet can't get wood this weekend." So they will get it next week, The the realization that he over booked his month and I was on the verge of yet another set of tears. "don't cry I will figure it out...we will go to Sheridan...I will go see Dean now." Out the door he went, coming back to say he was headed to Denver to move Dean this weekend...seems to work....driving in the rain is ok...getting wood is not...we can all go. Well, not all of us. Probation is closed for the weekend, Whitney has to stay in state. Guess she will keep the boys and Travis will go alone. So out he goes to finish getting truck trailered and he will come to say goodbye.

Meanwhile Whitney updates facebook and reads of friends....getting more "lonely" every minute. Funny, how can I be lonely and crying when I have my boys. Trav and I decide they should go with him...it will be more fun for them in the truck and playing with Dean's kids than staying here with mom, who still can't stop crying. So I think that maybe this started and never stopped....think Whitney, think what does June 27-July 3rd mean.....DUH!!! (that would be the light bulb that finally came on for Whitney but not sure Travis has seen it yet.) KC died June 27th, 7 years ago....I just forgot...how can I forget.....It was the hardest thing to get through and I just "forgot". Depression sure is kicking my butt to get my attention and remind me of the one thing I should not have forgot. No wonder all I have done is hold that blanket that we got from the church gals after his furneral. I had all the signals I usually needed, my mom even updated her blog last week...but only look at it every now and then and did not look at it till today. (Hey, mom next time send me a note so I get the message clearer...even if you have to hit me in the head). So now maybe I will go take a bath, then lay in bed and let the tears come. I know why they are here now. I have to accept them. I have to give my kids and husband back the me they that need and love...not this bawling, useless thing that they have dealt with all week. Happy 4th of July Whitney...Come back soon!!